When you bring a group of people together, whether as
employees for a Fortune 500 Company or around the Thanksgiving dinner table,
there is always the potential for conflict.
Even with our nearest and dearest, we have just as much chance of
butting heads as exchanging warm embraces.
With the holidays fast approaching, we will all have the opportunity to
be confronted with strong personalities, deeply held opinions and beliefs, long
standing disagreements, and contradictory communications practices. So, as we get in the long lines at the
airport or on the freeways in order to go visit our family and friends, I wanted to share some useful conflict management strategies that apply equally well in the workplace and across the dinner table.
Keep Your Head Up:
Know Who You are Dealing With
Anticipation is an excellent first round strategy to dealing
with conflict. Our loved ones have been
with us for long enough for us to have built a sense of history with them. That means that you probably know, at least a
little bit, what to expect. When you sit
down next to that one aunt, you know she will pester you about your
relationship choices, or that one family friend who always wants to discuss his
favorite investment strategies. If you
can enter into a conversation knowing what to expect, you can better use that
information to manage any conflict that may develop.
Knowing who you are dealing with can also mean developing an
awareness of different people’s conflict styles. If you go into a conversation knowing that
your grandmother likes to start arguments, but then forgets about them as
quickly as they start, that can help you decide how you engage with her. Likewise, if you know that you like to deal
with conflict by staying as under the radar as possible, now is the time to
start practicing your exit strategies and brainstorming ways to make yourself
scarce. I, for one, like to excuse
myself by “checking up on” whatever is on the stove or in the oven. Sure, my family may think I’m a little food
obsessed, but this works for me.
Always Assume the
Best Intentions
This is advice I give managers and employees when I mediate
workplace disputes, but it is even more useful when dealing with friends and
family. This idea arises out of the
belief that if you go looking for conflict, you are bound to find it. Instead of being so certain that your brother
is lying in wait to say something snarky, what if you assumed he had a positive
intention behind the things he says? When we challenge each other to assume the
best about the person we are in conflict with, it can transform how we see and
interact with them.
What if, instead of getting riled up about your niece’s
comments about your preferred political candidate because you think it’s a
general criticism of your beliefs, you took it as an invitation to engage in a
more general conversation about the political landscape? The truth is that
people are rarely targeting us the way we feel they are (we are rarely as
important as we think we are). And even
if the comments your mother makes may feel a little pointed, if you could just
let yourself assume that everything is coming from a place of love and with the
best intentions, the holidays will definitely proceed much more smoothly.
Practice Empathy
One of the greatest opportunities mediation provides is to
allow each party to a conflict to explain his or her point of view. This allows the other party to try and
understand where the other person is coming from, which helps everyone
better understand the conflict and then work towards its resolution. A little empathy can go a long way.
Holidays with our nearest and dearest also provide us with
excellent opportunities to practice empathy in order to better understand each
other and manage conflict. If you find
yourself in a situation where conflict looms, take a second to put yourself in
the other person’s shoes before you plunge ahead. You may find that your seemingly surly college
student nephew may just be sensitive to your proffered networking tips, allowing
you to course correct and move the conversation to something more positive for
you both. Likewise, try to think about
what your sister’s boyfriend may be feeling that is driving him to act with
what you may perceive to be a difficult attitude. If you can try to understand what other
people are going through, you can make better decisions about how to proceed in
a positive manner that manages and mitigates holiday conflict.
What To Do If Someone
Crosses The Line: One Way to Keep Calm and Carry On
Of course, even if you are the most skilled conflict
resolution ninja, there will be times when someone crosses the line and
something is said that gets people upset.
If all of your best deflection and diffusion strategies have not worked,
there are still ways to engage to keep things calm. The key is to engage in a way that brings the emotions down from threat level orange and allows people to engage in conversation in a productive and meaningful way.
If someone has said something to you that really hurt you,
take a deep breath and steady yourself.
Then, try asking them for clarification.
I have found a calm “Hmm. I’m curious, what makes you say that?” to work
wonders in this type of scenario. When
you ask the person to explain their hurtful comment, they can clarify things
in a way that shows they were not being malicious. Sometimes this even leads to an apology because,
upon reflection, they realize how hurtful their comment may have been. Either way, asking for more information allows
everyone to take a pause, which can open the door to a powerful dialogue that
allows you both to move forward in your relationship. Once the air has been cleared and bad feelings acknowledged and dealt with, you can move on to much more entertaining conversations, like reminiscing about a favorite family memory or complimenting the chef on whatever side dishes just hit the table (in general, you can't go wrong with complimenting the chef).
And if that does not work, take another deep breath and
excuse yourself to check on the turkey.
