How Mediation Can Help Us Let Go of the Past

One of the best reasons to engage in mediation of a conflict is to help people resolve an outstanding issue and move forward in their lives.  So one of the most frustrating moments can occur when the parties find themselves at an impasse because at least one party does not want to let go of the past.

The workplace conflicts I mediate have often been developing over the course of years.  Each party has a firm idea of what has happened to lead them to the mediation table, and they are often deeply entrenched in that narrative.  For some parties, they have been living with their story of what has happened to them for so long that it is hard for them to actually agree to a resolution, because that would mean letting go of that understanding of the past.

 At this point, I usually remind that that the alternative they are facing is a long and drawn-out administrative and/or court proceeding.  And I also prepare parties for the reality that because litigation results in one party being deemed right and the other wrong, a jury verdict or a judge’s decision does not always give the closure the parties need to feel satisfied and move forward.  Going to court will result in the expenditure of a lot of time and money without necessarily giving people an opportunity to let go of the past.  They now have an opportunity to let go of that story and move on in their lives, do they really want to walk away from that?  Almost always, the answer is, “No.”

Mediation can help move parties forward and out of impasse by creating a space for the parties to honestly and openly acknowledge their stories to each other, and to respond.  Mediation can let both parties feel heard, which in turn allows them to let go of the past and move forward. And I have found a surprisingly effective tool for this in mediation: the apology.

I am sometimes surprised at how often apologies and forgiveness factor in to my workplace mediations.  Litigators are trained to be wary of apologies, as they can be seen as admissions of guilt.  But in mediation, where the parties are protected by the aegis of confidentiality, apologies are a powerful tool in moving people through impasses, out of conflict and into resolution.  Without the fear that it can be used against them in future proceedings, a timely and honestly made apology, no matter how simply presented, functions as an acknowledgement of a past wrong that occurred.  And once the past has been acknowledged, it can be let go.  The parties are then free to focus on the resolution that will best move them forward.

This is a real benefit of mediation.  By allowing people to let go of a past that may be holding them back, mediation can help resolve a conflict in a way that helps propel people into a more productive future.  In preparing your clients for mediation, remind them that although we cannot change the past, we can use the mediation process to create the opportunity for a much more positive future.