The Stockdale Paradox and Conflict Resolution: How Confronting the Difficult Realities of Our Problems Can Bring Us to Their Solutions

In a 2005 Harvard Business Review article about successful leadership, Jim Collins discussed an interesting idea called the “Stockdale Paradox.”  Named after Admiral James Stockdale, a Medal of Honor recipient who survived seven years in a Vietcong POW camp, the paradox explains the importance of two seemingly conflicting ideas in remaining resilient and achieving success.  

Admiral Stockdale survived his ordeal by simultaneously holding two different thoughts in his head: 1) while he acknowledged the brutal reality that things in his life could not be worse than they already were at that immediate moment; 2) Stockdale also believed that his life would someday be better than he could possibly imagine right then and there.  The Stockdale Paradox shows us the importance of holding on to an optimistic view of the future even while (especially while) directly confronting the difficult realities of the immediate moment.

Collins summarized this as the importance of relying on both facts and faith, on acknowledging the brutal realities as facts while holding on to a faithful sense that things can and will improve.  This is especially useful in the world of conflict resolution, and helps to explain how mediations can be successful in helping people resolve seemingly intractable disputes. 

Successful mediations require this same combination of facts and faith.  Both parties have to enter into the process with a sense of hopefulness that their conflict will be resolved, and that they will be better off as they exit the mediation room than when they first entered into it.  And this hopefulness must coexist with the facts that are shared and discussed throughout the mediation process, facts that often reveal the difficulty both parties are facing in the current moment.  

An important part of any successful mediation is the sharing of information.  Nothing can be resolved without first engaging in the act of laying it all out there and confronting the facts – the alleged wrongs, the miscommunications, the limitations, the hurts.  But this acknowledging of the difficulties of the present situation is necessary in order to lead to resolution.  In this way, our most seemingly intractable conflicts contain the seeds of their eventual resolution, and it is only after the difficult facts are established and acknowledged that the hopeful enterprise of resolution can begin.

In mediations, the acknowledging of the sometimes brutal current reality reveals not only the problems that need to be addressed, but also the possible avenues towards solutions.  The mediator plays the key role of reminding everyone of the goals of the process – to work towards resolution.  Even more critically, the mediator’s job is to remind, rekindle and refocus the parties that resolution is achievable – fostering and encouraging hope.  Mediators help parties first address the difficult facts of the current problem, and then remind parties to have faith that a solution is achievable.

Reality and optimism, facts and faith.  By creating an opportunity to address these two concepts simultaneously, mediation brings parties from conflict to resolution.

How Mediation Can Help Us Let Go of the Past

One of the best reasons to engage in mediation of a conflict is to help people resolve an outstanding issue and move forward in their lives.  So one of the most frustrating moments can occur when the parties find themselves at an impasse because at least one party does not want to let go of the past.

The workplace conflicts I mediate have often been developing over the course of years.  Each party has a firm idea of what has happened to lead them to the mediation table, and they are often deeply entrenched in that narrative.  For some parties, they have been living with their story of what has happened to them for so long that it is hard for them to actually agree to a resolution, because that would mean letting go of that understanding of the past.

 At this point, I usually remind that that the alternative they are facing is a long and drawn-out administrative and/or court proceeding.  And I also prepare parties for the reality that because litigation results in one party being deemed right and the other wrong, a jury verdict or a judge’s decision does not always give the closure the parties need to feel satisfied and move forward.  Going to court will result in the expenditure of a lot of time and money without necessarily giving people an opportunity to let go of the past.  They now have an opportunity to let go of that story and move on in their lives, do they really want to walk away from that?  Almost always, the answer is, “No.”

Mediation can help move parties forward and out of impasse by creating a space for the parties to honestly and openly acknowledge their stories to each other, and to respond.  Mediation can let both parties feel heard, which in turn allows them to let go of the past and move forward. And I have found a surprisingly effective tool for this in mediation: the apology.

I am sometimes surprised at how often apologies and forgiveness factor in to my workplace mediations.  Litigators are trained to be wary of apologies, as they can be seen as admissions of guilt.  But in mediation, where the parties are protected by the aegis of confidentiality, apologies are a powerful tool in moving people through impasses, out of conflict and into resolution.  Without the fear that it can be used against them in future proceedings, a timely and honestly made apology, no matter how simply presented, functions as an acknowledgement of a past wrong that occurred.  And once the past has been acknowledged, it can be let go.  The parties are then free to focus on the resolution that will best move them forward.

This is a real benefit of mediation.  By allowing people to let go of a past that may be holding them back, mediation can help resolve a conflict in a way that helps propel people into a more productive future.  In preparing your clients for mediation, remind them that although we cannot change the past, we can use the mediation process to create the opportunity for a much more positive future.